Yesterday, a dear friend of mine told me she used my love life as an example to a friend of hers that's in a bad relationship. While this is startling, let me explain..
I was in a relationship for five years that was unhealthy and toxic for both parties. He cheated on me, and made me feel worthless, but I enabled him. Every day I stayed, and every day I forgave him, I enabled him. It was a two way street, but all I ever wanted was for him to love me. Every day I did something that I was hoping would please him. I lost myself just worrying about someone else. I gained weight, let myself get so wrapped up that I lost a lot of friends. I mean, not only did these "friends" try to compete with me over wanting my boyfriends attention, but they talked so much crap about me behind my back. It was an all around bad situation. It completely enveloped my life, and it took five years for me to see all the damage this relationship had done to me.
Three years ago, he told me he wanted to go on a break. He had put us on breaks all through out our relationship. It was a way for him to stay in control, keep me around, but be able to do whatever he wanted. I had finally had enough, and I left. Since the wound was still really fresh, we went back and forth for about seven months. A month after him and I cut off contact, I met someone whom I thought was a great guy. We dated for about three months, and it just didn't pan out. I really liked him, but I really just was happy that someone was nicer to me than my ex. I pined after him for close to a year. I dated only one other person in this time span. Him and I had a great date, but he was really dropping red flags, and had a very bad past. I dropped that one like a hot potato. After this last guy, I gave up hope. I decided I was going to worry about myself. I need to learn to love myself again before asking someone else to love me.
I began a new job, and on my first day, this guy almost slammed a door right in my face. I mean nearly took my face off with a heavy metal door. Then, we went in for a morning meeting, and this guy was super tan because he had come back from vacation, and he sat in a corner, leaning back in his chair, arms folded, with a really pissed off look on his face. I wanted nothing to do with him. I thought he was rude. it took me a good month to month in a half before I actually spoke a word to him other than "HI".
This coworker and I had just become friends after it took me a month to talk to him. I enjoyed his company, and always found myself taking lunch with him. My best friend told me that I was going to date him, and my mother saw his picture and told me that he was special, and he would be the one. I told them to shut their pie holes. I worked with him, and I was not going to shit where I ate.
I found myself alone on a Saturday night. I was supposed to go out with my friend to hang with this coworker, and she canceled on it. I decided since she wasn't going to go, that I didn't want to go. Then my other friend told me to go, because I wasn't going to be doing anything that night anyway. It was the best decision I ever made.
We have been together ever since, and I can honestly say I found the man I am going to marry. I am so in love with him. Everything they tell you that will happen when you meet the right person does happen. It fits, it clicks, and it makes perfect sense. It's a feeling that comes over you, and you just know it when it happens.
So, stop trying to fix and change and the man who cheats, and lies, and makes you feel worthless because there is a man out there who will love you more than that. There is a man out there who respects you and values you. Stop wasting your youth and beauty on a man who is not deserving of such precious things. It's time to stop pitying yourself, and start caring for yourself, and taking pride in who you are. Your value is not determined by what some loser who can't keep his penis in his pants thinks. Know your worth, and don't let it be cheapened. Know that the right man will never make you feel cheap, and will always make you feel loved.
- Julie Catherine
