Facing the Music...

Two of my favorite things are Nick Carter, and reading. So, when he came out with a book, Facing the Music & Living to Talk About it, guess who bought it? This girl right here. I was told it was an autobiography, and I couldn't wait to see what he had to say about things like dating Paris Hilton, his drug use, and his multiple arrests. I have loved this man since I was about seven years old. The only time I lost respect for him was when he dated Paris, because she is just a joke. I knew he had gone down the rabbit hole once he was with her. Regardless, I knew this was going to be good, but what I got out of it was more than I expected.

Grab a copy, it could help you too.

This book was part autobiography tied in with self-help. The only self-help book I have read is The Secret, and with only a little bit of actual self-help, its just a crock of shit. The whole book is just a joke. It gives good advice such as being positive, and making goals, but it leads people to believe that if they think about something hard enough they will transmit a frequency and magically the universe moves people and events to get to them. Science proves that wrong, there's a frequency we transmit, but it's not strong enough to actually do what the book claims, and the author makes random claims of other famous people who knew the secret, its a crock of shit. Don't waste your time, and if you believe in The Secret, well, good for you.

The Secret..

Anyway, back to my story. Reading Nicks book, he began to talk about relationships. His binge drinking stories, and crazy drug use I can't relate to because I haven't ever been that way, except when he began talking about relationships, he got my attention. He talked about his relationships, and how one made him physically ill because it was so bad for him. Nicks words popped off the page when I read, "Sometimes you might be in an unhealthy relationship or you might be in an environment that is not good for you and you'll not only have to recognize the situation for what it is, but you'll have to change things about those relationships." For the first time in over a year, he forced me to look back at my relationship, and see it for what it was. It was incredibly unhealthy.

A year and a half ago I got out of a seriously bad relationship. I was up and down and all over the place. I was always super healthy and active, and then when things got bad, I got lazy and fat. I was so unhappy and miserable that I was lucky if I could get out of bed. I said I don't identify with Nicks binge drinking, but I definitely drank a lot. I would go out at 8 PM with friends, and not get back home till 4 AM. The only reason I drank so much was because I couldn't face the pain that was being inflicted on me. The alcohol, the shitty food, and the lack of exercise due to being miserable were all showing. It was evident to everyone something was not right with me. My mother tried to get me to talk, but I pushed her away. I was so far down the hole that I couldn't see anyone or anything else. My life revolved around making this person happy, so much so that I was no longer happy.

Now, you are wondering why I would stay so long if this was the case. Another thing Nick said in his book is that he did not feel that he was worthy of love, and that he felt that this was it for him. This was all he was good enough for. That's exactly how I felt, and that's why I went back to this person twice after I initially left. I felt that this was it for me, that this was all I deserved, I was dead wrong. No one deserves to feel so low that they cannot get out of bed or go for a run. My life was falling a part all around me. I was not this person, so how did I let this happen? It's so much easier as an outsider to judge and say, " Well, you could have left at any time!" not true. I was so blind to my own value and worth that I would rather stay miserable because I felt this was what I deserved, and this was all that was out there for me. It was not true at all, but it's all I knew.

I didn't realize my worth until I met someone else. He wound up being a total dud, but when he was good, he brought me back to life, and I am so grateful to him for that. I was so lost, and so confused, but he showed me, for how brief it was, that I was worth something, and I deserved so much more. I did go back to my ex one more time, but it was very short lived because I was able to see the red flags, and when he said he did not want to talk to me anymore, I made the choice to cut him out. I realized that I was worth more than this, that this was not all that there was out there.

I always felt that the things that happened to me weren't that bad, and that they happen to other people not me. I was wrong, they were horrible, and they should have never happened, and I should have never accepted it. I was in a bad cycle, and finally a year and a half later I was able to break the cycle for good. I have completely turned my life around, and I have met other men who show me that there's more out there for me, whether or not they last, they are still a step in the right direction. I learned that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect and loyalty. I deserve a happy, healthy, stable, and loving relationship. It took me Nick Carter's book to reflect on that.

Reflecting on the past can hurt deep, but it can heal as well. I healed by forcing myself to recognize my mistakes, and my ex's mistakes. I realize that it was also my fault for enabling him. I was a part of the problem, I am not innocent in this. I enabled the behavior that was given to me. I let it be allowed as though it was normal. I think because I have such a fantastic support system, and I have people who really love me and want to see me succeed in every aspect of my life, I have come out of it stronger than ever. I learned from the past, and I won't forget it because I won't be doomed to repeat it. I know my worth and I will never let someone cheapen me ever again.

Nick Carter has been the one man who has never broken my heart, and his book came into my life for a reason. I truly believe that I needed to read it in order to finally end that chapter in my life. He woke me up, and I wish I could thank him for doing that for me. Judge me all you want, and criticize me, but I know that everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what that reason is at the time. I made mistakes in my past, but I will not let my mistakes define me. I am just Julie, and I will not feel punished for my mistakes anymore.

- Julie Catherine.

They Say It's Your Birthday...

Happy Birthday to Me! September 21st marks the beginning of my twenty-fourth year! I looked back at a year ago, to now, and I have changed significantly. The person who was here a year ago, is no longer here. It's amazing how we grow and change, but I feel like I'm moving in a better direction. I have finally started my career, and I have closed the door on a lot of things that I was hung up on. I woke up feeling like this is a fresh start. I didn't bring any baggage into this new year of my life, but I did bring in a fresh pair of Louboutins!

The Louboutins I bought. I took no pictures, so this is what you'll get. You have the idea.

Looking back at this past year, I think It was such a huge transitioning period for me. I have done a 180 from where I was before. This time a year ago, I had lost my uncle in unfortunate circumstances, I was still in college part-time, and I was in a relationship that was going down hill fast. I ended that relationship, and began dating someone new shortly after. It was good for me to get out of the bad one, and move to the better one, but he turned out to not be that wonderful either. I will say this though, I learned a lot about what I want out of a relationship, and what I deserve. He was a great guy in the beginning, and I realize I deserve that, just not the hidden baggage he had. I learned a lot about what I want, and what I don't want. My standards and convictions have been made clear, no more blurred lines.

Me, The day before my birthday. Last day as 23!

Graduating college was my next huge accomplishment this past year. I can't lie, I thought I was never going to make it out. I was on five and a half years, and I didn't see an end. That's what happens when you transfer schools in the state of New Jersey, you get screwed with your credits. I finally finished, and when I did I was sad it was actually over. I had met so many fantastic people, and had the time of my life. It had to end, and I had to move forward with my life. After college, I struggled with finding a job. I thought it would be easier having a degree, it's not at all. I was just one of many who graduated, and I needed to find my place. I finally found in eight months after graduating, but that's better than most can say.

Day of my graduation from Rutgers!

This year, I have also made long lasting friendships with plenty of people. I was always told, when you graduate college, and begin your life, you begin to see who will be your forever friends. I do not have friends. I have family. My friends become my family, and that's why my circle is so small. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the people in my life right now, and if we drift apart, or if we remain together forever, they will always be the ones who taught me the most about life and myself.

Shit happens in life we have no control over, and a few things happened to me this year that were terrifying, and really helped me appreciate that growing old is a luxury most cannot afford. I am grateful every single day I wake up, and get to see my wonderful family, and my wonderful friends. In this moment, I am happy, and my goal is to remain that way no matter what life decides to throw at me. When you make plans, God laughs, but he laughs because he has better ideas for you than you do. I plan on making this year a fantastic year, and I just plan on going up and up from here. I see no limits in my future. I see so many people who couldn't imagine the twists and turns their lives made, but I'm excited for the people I haven't met yet, and the opportunities I haven't received yet. I think this is what the adults in my life always talked about, life finally starting for me. It's like a switch flipped, and this is where I begin.

Ask, Believe, Receive,
Julie Catherine

This All Was Only Wishful Thinking

My best friend is a bombshell. She has a great body, gorgeous face, and fantastic personality. I wouldn't want anything less in a best friend. She is so intelligent, kind, and thoughtful. Just an all around wonderful person. She swears she has bad skin, but her fantastic qualities have to balance out, it's only fair to the rest of us she has bad skin. Sorry! Only fair! So, she goes on dates just as much, if not more than I do, and these men last about a month, before they just crap out on her. I don't understand why they do. I can't seem to wrap my head around why someone would want to hurt someone so kind, and gorgeous!

My mom always told me, "Beauty only last's so long, stupid last's forever, always have something else to bring to the table." I understand with botox and plastic surgery we don't need to worry about growing old until were like 80 years old now, but beauty is only skin deep. Just because you are stunning, does NOT mean that will keep someone around. If the other party cannot hold a conversation, or cannot confide in you, you will most likely get kicked to the curb. These days I've seen more and more men want women who have college degrees, work great jobs, and still maintain their looks. You have to be able to bring more to the table that just your beauty.

My question is, my best friend is all that and more, and she still gets burned bad, but why? What is it about someone who is so kind and considerate and intelligent that men think they can just stomp all over her. Are men intimidated by a woman who was raised right? She once dated a guy who she really, really liked. He seemed to like her just as much right back. Told her he couldn't wait for her to meet his family, blah blah blah. Then he all the sudden cut her off. Out of no where, he would randomly hit her up telling her he missed her. It was like always keeping one foot in the door for him. Then, one day, she saw he had a girlfriend. Let me give you a little background...

One morning, after she had spent the night with him, a girl messaged him and said, "Wow, you're up early, are you with a girl or something?" to which he replied "Yes". He was honest with her and told her about these two messages, but didn't get into detail. It sat funny with her. Flash forward a couple weeks later, that same girl was tagged in one of his photos of a board game. She felt something wasn't right, but didn't want to jump to conclusions.  Then, there it was, a picture of him and this girl together, and they were now boyfriend and girlfriend. She was crushed. She couldn't understand why someone would make her seem like she had priority over others, and then rip it all away. What was so bad about her?

My friend is one of those long life friends. Her children and my children will be raised as cousins, and her children will call me their aunt and vise versa. She is a genuine good person, but seems to get the short end of the stick time and time again. What her and I cannot seem to understand is why? Our mothers tell us that the right one is on his way, we just need to be patient, but all this bullshit in between we could do without. It's hard time and time again to watch my best friend cry because another man has broken her heart, but she is such a good person she will still do right by others. It doesn't matter how many times you fall, but just staying the good person you are through all of it counts. Never be spiteful and hurt someone else for the mistakes of others. Treat every person as a new case, but don't discount red flags.

Recently, I dated a guy who kept sending up red flag after red flag, and I distanced myself majorly. He got a little scary, and I was NOT having it. I cut him out. I didn't cut him out because of anything anyone else did to me in the past, I cut him out because he was making me wonder if he was going to kill me in my sleep! I slightly exaggerated that last part, but he was getting creepy none the less. Then, I think to myself, did my best friend and I send up red flags to the men we've dated? Did we make them turn away because we did or said something that they felt was a warning sign? I can't imagine that honestly.

A couple days ago, she had asked me if maybe men were intimidated by us. About a year ago, my father told me they were. He said to me, "You come from a good home, you are educated, strong, confident, and beautiful. Any man would be proud to take you down the isle, but we're all idiots, and we don't get better with age." My father is not the kind to sugar coat anything. Both of my parents feel that if they think I'm doing something wrong, they will tell me, and will expect me to make it right. I may be an adult, but they have been here longer, and they do know more than I do. So, if I did something wrong while dating or in a relationship, believe me, they would tell me. I have done things wrong, and I'm sure my friend has as well, but nothing to warrant this kinda crap that gets handed to us on a silver platter time and time again.

One guy I worked for had looked at me every time I came to him about a story of my heartbreak, and he would say, "I just don't get it, it makes no sense, why does a girl like you have to deal with this crap." I couldn't tell ya! I'm also really not sure why my friend has to either. So, until we find out why time and time again we get pushed aside, we will continue to be the good people we are. I would rather her and I be ourselves, and be kind to those men, so that at the end we know it's the best we could do. That's all we can ask of ourselves, is to just be good people, even when people may not deserve it.

This is What Makes Us Girls.

Men like to make it seem like women are just so crazy, and that they are these gods that we worship. They like to say things that they shouldn't say to a woman who is interested in them, and then take it back. I've heard all kinds of wild things, and as I get older it doesn't really seem to get better. I'm very big on being real, and putting everything up front. If I like you, I like you. If you're a hook up, you know you're a hook up. I don't leave any blurred lines, and I sure as hell don't say anything that I would regret or need to take back later.

One of the things I have heard men say, and accounts from my friends, is "Well, I meant it at the time." Well, that's just wonderful, you meant it at the time. Well, how about you let those feelings sit and settle before you make a crazy rash decision, and say them. Make sure you really feel that way before speaking. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. What a concept. Yes, feelings change, I understand that. I am not talking about when we like someone and then all the sudden stop. I'm talking about planning a future with someone, and then ripping the rug underneath them.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy whom I thought was wonderful. He came from a good family, well educated, worked a good job in the city, and he was really handsome. Sometimes, it sounds a lot better on paper, and in this case that's all he was. Very good in theory. So, within about three dates, and two weeks, he looks at me and says, "Do you think someone has met the person they're going to marry within only a few dates?" and I replied, "Well, yeah. My mom knew my dad was the one after the second date." Then, he dropped a bomb. He said, "So, lets get married." And, it didn't stop there. The man kept bringing up marriage like it was something so easy. He brought it up a bunch more times after that. He had asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend to which I replied sure, and he said "No, do you want to be my girlfriend?" and I told him yes.

So, gathering my information together, he wanted to be my boyfriend, and somewhere down the line he wanted to marry me. He took it all back within about a month. I know we weren't going down the isle anytime soon, and I was in no rush. You get married, and that's it. I know people get divorced, but it should be for a real reason, not because you rushed into it being immature and dumb. What kills me, is this person began to act like I was some jerk off, and like I was absolutely nothing to him. If I was just a hook up, he should've been upfront. If he liked me, again should have been upfront. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say things you don't mean. He wasn't man enough to be real to me.

Now, looking back, logical part of me says I was an idiot for falling for the oldest tricks in the book, and the emotional part says that I was just tricked into feeling something for someone who should have kept his mouth shut. Just zip it! If you feel it keep it inside until the right time. Don't just spew word vomit. Another persons feelings are involved, and yes we heal, but we will always remember.

So, when you men say that women are crazy, ask yourself why we're crazy. How'd we get that way? What was it that you said, and then took back to make us feel that way? I have no issue writing someone out of my life. If you don't want to be here, I will cut you out, and pretend I've never even met you before. You no longer exist.

Every action has a reaction. If you tell a woman that you love her, you better mean it. If you tell a woman you want her to be your girlfriend, you better mean it. If you tell a woman she is the one, and you want to marry her, you better mean it. Don't just say it because it was an idea that popped up into your head. Think before you speak. It will save everyone involved a lot of trouble.


Ask, Believe, Receive,
Julie Catherine