Facing the Music...

Two of my favorite things are Nick Carter, and reading. So, when he came out with a book, Facing the Music & Living to Talk About it, guess who bought it? This girl right here. I was told it was an autobiography, and I couldn't wait to see what he had to say about things like dating Paris Hilton, his drug use, and his multiple arrests. I have loved this man since I was about seven years old. The only time I lost respect for him was when he dated Paris, because she is just a joke. I knew he had gone down the rabbit hole once he was with her. Regardless, I knew this was going to be good, but what I got out of it was more than I expected.

Grab a copy, it could help you too.

This book was part autobiography tied in with self-help. The only self-help book I have read is The Secret, and with only a little bit of actual self-help, its just a crock of shit. The whole book is just a joke. It gives good advice such as being positive, and making goals, but it leads people to believe that if they think about something hard enough they will transmit a frequency and magically the universe moves people and events to get to them. Science proves that wrong, there's a frequency we transmit, but it's not strong enough to actually do what the book claims, and the author makes random claims of other famous people who knew the secret, its a crock of shit. Don't waste your time, and if you believe in The Secret, well, good for you.

The Secret..

Anyway, back to my story. Reading Nicks book, he began to talk about relationships. His binge drinking stories, and crazy drug use I can't relate to because I haven't ever been that way, except when he began talking about relationships, he got my attention. He talked about his relationships, and how one made him physically ill because it was so bad for him. Nicks words popped off the page when I read, "Sometimes you might be in an unhealthy relationship or you might be in an environment that is not good for you and you'll not only have to recognize the situation for what it is, but you'll have to change things about those relationships." For the first time in over a year, he forced me to look back at my relationship, and see it for what it was. It was incredibly unhealthy.

A year and a half ago I got out of a seriously bad relationship. I was up and down and all over the place. I was always super healthy and active, and then when things got bad, I got lazy and fat. I was so unhappy and miserable that I was lucky if I could get out of bed. I said I don't identify with Nicks binge drinking, but I definitely drank a lot. I would go out at 8 PM with friends, and not get back home till 4 AM. The only reason I drank so much was because I couldn't face the pain that was being inflicted on me. The alcohol, the shitty food, and the lack of exercise due to being miserable were all showing. It was evident to everyone something was not right with me. My mother tried to get me to talk, but I pushed her away. I was so far down the hole that I couldn't see anyone or anything else. My life revolved around making this person happy, so much so that I was no longer happy.

Now, you are wondering why I would stay so long if this was the case. Another thing Nick said in his book is that he did not feel that he was worthy of love, and that he felt that this was it for him. This was all he was good enough for. That's exactly how I felt, and that's why I went back to this person twice after I initially left. I felt that this was it for me, that this was all I deserved, I was dead wrong. No one deserves to feel so low that they cannot get out of bed or go for a run. My life was falling a part all around me. I was not this person, so how did I let this happen? It's so much easier as an outsider to judge and say, " Well, you could have left at any time!" not true. I was so blind to my own value and worth that I would rather stay miserable because I felt this was what I deserved, and this was all that was out there for me. It was not true at all, but it's all I knew.

I didn't realize my worth until I met someone else. He wound up being a total dud, but when he was good, he brought me back to life, and I am so grateful to him for that. I was so lost, and so confused, but he showed me, for how brief it was, that I was worth something, and I deserved so much more. I did go back to my ex one more time, but it was very short lived because I was able to see the red flags, and when he said he did not want to talk to me anymore, I made the choice to cut him out. I realized that I was worth more than this, that this was not all that there was out there.

I always felt that the things that happened to me weren't that bad, and that they happen to other people not me. I was wrong, they were horrible, and they should have never happened, and I should have never accepted it. I was in a bad cycle, and finally a year and a half later I was able to break the cycle for good. I have completely turned my life around, and I have met other men who show me that there's more out there for me, whether or not they last, they are still a step in the right direction. I learned that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect and loyalty. I deserve a happy, healthy, stable, and loving relationship. It took me Nick Carter's book to reflect on that.

Reflecting on the past can hurt deep, but it can heal as well. I healed by forcing myself to recognize my mistakes, and my ex's mistakes. I realize that it was also my fault for enabling him. I was a part of the problem, I am not innocent in this. I enabled the behavior that was given to me. I let it be allowed as though it was normal. I think because I have such a fantastic support system, and I have people who really love me and want to see me succeed in every aspect of my life, I have come out of it stronger than ever. I learned from the past, and I won't forget it because I won't be doomed to repeat it. I know my worth and I will never let someone cheapen me ever again.

Nick Carter has been the one man who has never broken my heart, and his book came into my life for a reason. I truly believe that I needed to read it in order to finally end that chapter in my life. He woke me up, and I wish I could thank him for doing that for me. Judge me all you want, and criticize me, but I know that everything happens for a reason, we just may not know what that reason is at the time. I made mistakes in my past, but I will not let my mistakes define me. I am just Julie, and I will not feel punished for my mistakes anymore.

- Julie Catherine.